All Lily's Fault
by GoddessofMadness
Summary: Severus Snape rarely drinks as doing so only unearths some awful memories. However on one of these rare occasions, Severus comes across a shocking realization. One-Shot. Warnings: Drunk, possibly OOC Snape, mild Lily Bashing, cussing. Rated T for the language.


All Lily's Fault

**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter. I'm writing this for fun. **

**Warnings: Drunk, slightly OOC Snape, Lily bashing, copious amounts of cussing. **

Severus Snape stumbled and slipped up the icy roads of Hogsmead. It was the dead of winter and he had his thick, wool winter cloak wrapped about him tightly. A waxing crescent moon hung large in the starry sky above him, causing the snow on the ground to shimmer faintly in the light.

This ethereal beauty was lost on the dark Potion's Master. He had begun his stumbling walk from the Hog's Head, and only after Aberforth cut off his drinks and forced him out of the seedy pub. The usually pale complexion was now flushed a deep shade of pink, a combination of the man's current inebriated state and the bitter cold nipping at his face.

Even at the age of thirty-six, Severus was not one to partake in drinking. The bite of alcohol in his throat was something he never enjoyed, nor was it something he got used to overtime. As such, when the ex-Slytherin did drink, it didn't take long for him to get pissed drunk.

After much slipping and slurred cursing, Severus finally made it to the front steps of Hogwarts. Luckily, it was well past curfew, so students were in their beds...all except Potter, he was sure. That boy had his father's blasted Invisibility Cloak so he could be anywhere and Severus would have no clue. With this slightly sloshed thought running through his head, Severus concentrated solely on making it down to his dungeon chambers as normally as possible.

He inhaled deeply, subtly using the Slytherin hourglass for support, and stood up straight. When he got his balance, he nodded once before softly slurring "Ten points to Sl-Slytherrrrrin."

He walked slowly, winter cloak billowing slightly, being careful not to stagger down the downward sloping corridor to the dungeons. The only sounds he could hear were of his own dragon-hide boots making contact with the flagstone floor and the soft whispering of his cloak fluttering behind him. If any student were to come across him, they would not be able to detect anything amiss. Severus was pleased to discover that even Mrs. Norris hadn't decided to lurk about in the Snake Pit this late at night.

He finally reached the portrait entrance to his chambers. The portrait was of Zygmunt Budge, one of the greatest and most accomplished potioneers Hogwarts had ever seen. Severus scowled and swayed on his feet when he noticed the portrait's occupant was fast asleep. Suddenly angry, he raised his hands, grasped the two side edges of the frame, and rattled it as hard as he could; he received his desired result as the occupant jerked awake. "Do you mind?" Zygmunt snapped, haughtily. "I'm trying to get some sleep!"

"Come off it!" Severus roared back, shocking the portrait into silence. "You're jussssst a paintin'. You've been dead for well over 400 bl-bloody yea's. Let me in."

Budge sneered, making Severus wonder, not for the first time, if this man was an ancestor of his. "Password?"

"Bollocks," grumbled Severus. "Alright...I know this. Polyjuice?"

"Incorrect."

"Bloody fucking hell. Bicorn horn?"

"Sorry," Zygmunt's voice had an amused quality to it.

"Wanker," the glare Severus gave the painting could have crumbled stone. He sighed, swaying so much that he had to place a hand on the wall for support. Eventually he slid down the wall, sitting in front of the painting with his long legs splayed out in front of him. "Might as well get comforble, eh?"

In that seated position, Severus rattled off as many potions and ingredients he could think of that he might have used as his new password. He sat there for over an hour, still locked out, and running out of potions and ingredients that he could recall in his current mental state. "Can you jus' give me a bloody hint," the normally stoic man begged, pounding his fists on the floor in frustration.

Finally taking pity on the obviously drunk professor before him, Budge nodded and told him: "Think of something you would never say in a million years."

Severus blinked slowly several times before smacking himself on the forehead. "Potter is a genius," he finally muttered, shaking his head as he did so.

"That's the one!" Finally the painting swung forward, revealing the entrance to his private quarters. "This was quite entertaining. Have a nice rest of your evening, Master Snape."

"Piss off," was Severus' mumbled response as he crawled unceremoniously through the entrance and just flopped down on the floor once inside. The portrait swung shut behind him, lock clicking softly in the otherwise silence of Snape's quarters.

One of the main reasons Severus never drank, besides being a lightweight, was because it always brought painful memories to the forefront of his mind whenever he was finally alone. The only reason he even went out for a drink this evening was because he had just gotten back from a particularly horrendous meeting with Voldemort and felt like he needed some alcohol to help him forget the ordeal. Now that he was on the floor of his home, and the memories came rushing from his otherwise impenetrable Occlumency shields, he found himself deeply regretting his previous decision.

A large majority of the memories consisted of his childhood home and the abuse he suffered there by his father, Tobias. Of course that also included the death of his mother, as well. Severus had made peace with these memories long ago, for the most part, and while they still hurt for him to remember, they were nothing compared to the memories he knew would follow.

For the next memory was when he met her. Lily Evans. Severus pressed the heels of his hands into his eyes, in an attempt to stave off the onslaught of tears trying to escape.

The tears became harder and harder to fight as Lily's face soon became the primary focus of his mind's eye. The swings, getting on the Hogwarts Express for the first time, being sorted into separate houses, still remaining friends, Lily protecting him from the Marauders.

Sobs now wracked his entire frame as he remembered calling her a Mudblood and begging for forgiveness. If only he had never called her that. If only he had just accepted her help. If only she had forgiven him. If only-

Severus sat up suddenly, tear tracks staining his cheeks and hiccoughing occasionally. He blinked and rubbed at his eyes before blinking once more, however the onyx colored orbs remained glassy and unfocused. If only she had forgiven him...If only she had forgiven him. If only _she_ had forgiven him!

An odd choking noise soon filled the room and Severus realized with a shock that he was the source. The sound was a bizarre mixture of crying and laughing hysterically. He had been blaming himself for the past fifteen years for Lily's death! She was the one who brought her own downfall!

Severus began to trace back to where Lily was to blame. It had to be when she refused to forgive me, he drunkenly determined. If she had forgiven me, then I would have had a friend to turn to when Lucius came to me about joining the Dark Lord in seventh year. I would have had a way out. She would have offered me protection or brought me to Dumbledore straight away.

The more and more Severus realized, the more hysterical and maniacal his laughter became. He drew out his wand and, after searching long and hard for a happy memory, cast his patronus. The silver doe stared at him; Severus laughed harder. "Well, Lily's dead so you'll have to do!" He clambered to his feet and loomed over the patronus, looking absolutely deranged.

"If you had forgiven me, I would not have heard the prophecy! I would not have told the Dark Lord about it! Wouldn't have needed to become a spy!" His breathing was becoming more and more erratic as he screamed and cackled, long strands of hair sticking to his cheeks and forehead.

"You wouldn't have needed to to into hiding, needed a secret keeper-one that ultimately betrayed you!" His hands balled into fists on their own accord and he advanced on his patronus, causing the shimmering energy to back away from its master. "IF YOU HAD FORGIVEN ME, YOU'D STILL BE ALIVE!"

He spread his arms out wide as he roared that sentence as loud as possible. A high pitched, insane sounding laugh followed it that soon faded into panted breathing.

Staring at the now fading patronus he whispered, "It's all your fault, Lily. Not mine."

The patronus faded into nothingness, casting the main room into darkness and shadow once more. Only when the doe had completely disappeared did Severus Snape, feared Potion's Master of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, pass out in an emotionally exhausted heap in the middle of his sitting room.

**A/N: This was a one shot I wrote while visiting my fiancee in July. I wrote it on his iPod Touch and forgot about it until he found it on his iPod earlier today. Since it was already complete on the device, I decided to copy it down in a word document and upload it here. DON'T WORRY fans of the "Child" series. This story is a one shot so I will still be continuing with Grim Child in due time.**

**I would also like to remind you fans of my "Child" series that I have a poll about it on my profile, so please check that out and cast your votes! As always, read and review! :3**

**Luv,**

**GoM**


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